A string served on death row. One day his turn had come to sit in the electric chair. An officer pressed the button, and the string was given an electric shock. The string went limp, and a guard was unstrapping it when he said: "It's still breathing!"
Another guard rushed to take the pulse. "The pulse is normal. How is this possible?"
A third guard: "It must have been improperly terminated!" ← pun
They hooked up the string to the chair again. "This I'll kill you!" the first guard said and pushed the button. But the string just said: "Ouch, that hurt!"
"Let me have a try," the second guard said. "You'll die now!" he screamed and pushed the button hard several times. "Ouch! Owwww! Stop it pleeease!" the string cried.
The third guard said: "Does anyone in this room know French?"
The first guard said: "Yes, I do."
The third guard then blabbered a few sentences of French to the first guard, who then translated for the second guard: "He told me to tell you that you should press the button to kill the string now."
The second guard said: "We already tried that." And then hit the button several times in frustration - and the string died! What just happened?
The third guard explained: "You can't execute a string, unless in an interpreted language." ← pun
I read this joke in the guard pages. ← pun
Two strings
Re: Two strings
I like this version better...
Did you hear about the string who survived the electric chair? He was improperly terminated...
Why was the [insert foreign language here] speaker able to do the job? Everybody knows you can't execute a string, unless it's in an interpreted language.
Did you hear about the string who survived the electric chair? He was improperly terminated...
Why was the [insert foreign language here] speaker able to do the job? Everybody knows you can't execute a string, unless it's in an interpreted language.
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Rook Zimbabwe
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Re: Two strings
now sorry I revived this one! 
When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:
(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong.
(3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.
In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.
When a third grader was asked to cite Newton's first law, she said, "Bodies in motion remain in motion, and bodies at rest stay in bed unless their mothers call them to get up."
Why are quantum physicists so poor at sex?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
Murphy's Ten Laws for String Theorists:
(1) If you fix a mistake in a mathematical superstring calculation, another one will show up somewhere else.
(2) If your results are based on the work of others, then one such work will turn out to be wrong.
(3) The longer your article, the more likely your computer hard disk drive will fail while you are typing the references.
(4) The better your research result, the more likely it will be rejected by the referee of a journal; on the other hand, if your work is wrong but not obviously so, it will be accepted for publication right away.
(5) If a result seems to good to be true, it is unless you are one of the top ten string theorists in the world. (By the way, these theorists refer to their results as "string miracles".)
(6) Your most startling string-theoretic theorem will turn out to be valid in only two spatial dimensions or less.
(7) When giving a string seminar, nobody will follow anything you say after the first minute, but, if miraculously someone does, then that person will point out a flaw in your reasoning half-way through your talk and what will be worse is that your grant review officer will happen to be in the audience.
(8) For years, nobody will ever notice the fudge factors in your calculations, but when you come up for tenure they will surface like fish being tossed fresh breadcrumbs.
(9) If you are a graduate student working on string theory, then the field will be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.; Even worse, if you start over with a new thesis topic, the new field will also be dead by the time you get your Ph.D.
(10) If you discover an interesting string model, then it will predict at least one low-energy, observable particle not seen in Nature.
In summary, anything in string theory that theoretically can go wrong will go wrong, but if nothing does go theoretically wrong, then experimentally it is ruled out.
