Funniest newbie phrase you heard?

dagcrack · Post by **dagcrack** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 3:39 am

Okey this is not good (to laugh from what a newbie once said) but its very very funny trust me.

I got various things I can tell you, that they once told me..

But one of the funniest was:

Me: Okey but you'll have to achive that in memory, working with those functions is slow - do it at memory level and it will be faster

Him: But I dont know how to work with memory plus I only have 64mb of ram

...This is true, someone told me that once. I still laugh though.. he was serious at saying he only had 64mb, ah men so funny.

Beach · Post by **Beach** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 7:20 am

I bet some here also has to do user support such as myself. I know I could come up with a million but my favorite is when a new user called me to request a mouse because the current one no longer worked. After checking the mouse I realized she had turned the mouse pad upside down with the rubber facing up. I guess that is not a phrase but more of a funny newb situation...

I could go on and on...

dagcrack · Post by **dagcrack** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 7:46 am

woot? what kind of mouse? I can use mine (optical) anywhere (and I mean anywhere!) sometimes im sitting all relaxed with my mouse over my leg browsing all comfy! (although not a big surface but big enough to browse sites)

I did tech support - a friend still does ( on my ISP ).

He even used to record the conversations and then send them to me - you wont believe how funny they were (now he doesnt record them anymore - they once found out and almost kick him)

Once.. a grannie called, she was like:

Grannie: "The password... the, the password just, died.. it just died!"
Support: "Excuse me? what died?"
Grannie: "The password, it died"
Support: *puts hand on the mic and laughs hard*

Im writting it from memory as it was a recordered conversation and it was in spanish . but it was just like that ALL the time!.

He spent like 2 hours talking with her- till she got the uplink to the adsl server (yes, she was writting the password wrongly).

Dude, here, most "techinicians" (And with the "" because they are not professionals nor know a s*** about anything!!!) that does tech support, if they were on your situation (they found out it was just the flipped mouse-pad) they'll say "well.. ehm.. the mouse is DEAD you must buy the latest logitech mouse right now theres no fix for this". Yes they are like that and pisses me off to a point where I'd love to have them all in a row, and call the first one, beat him up in front of a wall, call the second one, and so on. I really mean it!

Kale · Post by **Kale** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 9:10 am

The one i always remember (and its probably a famous one now), the recording goes something like this:

Noob: Hello, i need a new cup holder for my PC, mines broken.
Tech Support: Cup Holder?
Noob: Yes, i use it to hold a cup of coffee while i surf the internet.
Tech Support: Did it come with your PC as a promotional item?
Noob: No, i don't think so, its built into my PC.
Tech Support: Built in? What does it look like?
Noob: Well i press the button on the front and it used to pop out.
Tech Support: What popped out?
Noob: The cup holder tray.
***Pause***
Tech Support: I think you need a new CD Drive!
***Much Laughing***

dagcrack · Post by **dagcrack** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 12:13 pm

WHAT? it isnt a cup holder?

* removes cup *

(I really have a picture of my brother and a friend at work - they were using an old cd-rom as cup-tray very funny pic I think its from 1998 back when they worked together you see both of them smiling at the camera and at the middle you can see the cup being held by the cd-tray).

Killswitch · Post by **Killswitch** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 12:54 pm

There was an incredible funny post on the DarkBasic forums -Gimme teh codez. I can remember a few quotes roughly, but I'll try and find you the link:

"book. book is stupid."

"i know I need the codez but I don't know the codez. Gimme teh codez"

dagcrack · Post by **dagcrack** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 1:08 pm

"teh codez" ? for any reason, did the user had a stupid looking avatar (drawn in ms paint..) and his name was as stupid as well? (I cant remember) but he was on the blitzcoder community too... and he was the biggest anti-social matter I ever saw most disgusting soul ever

- on blitzcoder he used to say "gimme teh codez" every time on every thread - thats why he had like 3000 posts or more - I can't remember his nick though... too bad. People got banned in that community for saying PEE and he never got a scratch for doing all the mess he did - when someone posted a newbie question he used to reply back with a link of the site policy and rules if the newbie used caps on the thread title or anything like that .. it was just for tracking him down and hunt him with a hammer.

Killswitch · Post by **Killswitch** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 1:12 pm

Here's the link:

http://forum.thegamecreators.com/xt/xt_ ... p?i=618121

Post by **freak** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 3:02 pm

read this a long time ago on the page of some support guy:

customer: Do you have Windows 95 for the GameBoy?
support: No, but we will call you once we have it.

comment from the support guy: Sometimes it is just better not to argue with people!

Jellybean · Post by **Jellybean** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 3:04 pm

Almost like this: http://www.geocities.com/CollegePark/6174/Nosmoke.htm

thefool · Post by **thefool** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 5:24 pm

http://rinkworks.com/stupid/

Jellybean · Post by **Jellybean** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 6:19 pm

Subject: Y to K conversion

I hope I haven't misunderstood the instructions because frankly none of this "Y to K" problem makes any sense to me. Nevertheless, I have completed conversion of our company calendar so that following the year 2000, we are prepared to go forward with the following new months:

Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk

Likewise, we are fully compliant with the new days, as I understand them:

Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak

Note: I have not performed the "Y to K" conversion for Saturday or Sunday, as this will not impact our business.

Brice Manuel · Post by **Brice Manuel** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 6:32 pm

i know I need the codez but I don't know the codez. Gimme teh codez"

I remember that, he really laid into me on the DB forums for trying to help him and for very politely suggesting he try one of the Dummies books on BASIC programming.

dagcrack · Post by **dagcrack** » Fri Sep 09, 2005 6:48 pm

See that tells you I'm not the worst guy around! SEE!

Suggest me any book and i'll take it into consideration - as books are food for your mind and soul (and food for the fire but thats when the books are really bad - hence hitler's decision, when he read the darkbasic manual he got so mad he wanted everyone to burn their darkbasic manuals! BAD DB BAD!)

Post by **Dare2** » Sat Sep 10, 2005 3:27 am

Y to K is good.

This is real, and goes back to the days of 8" floppies and Wang mini-computers. I got a call from a potential client (we didn't have a help desk, programmers handled support).

He told me he could not install the trial software as disk 2 was playing up. I asked him if he had tried the second installation set. (We usually sent copies, the floppies being notoriously unreadable especially unit to unit).

He said he couldn't try because he couldn't get the disk out of drive A. In fact "both disks" were now stuck.

I changed the installation prompt to say something like:

Remove disk 1 from drive A.
Insert disk 2 into drive A
Press the enter key when ready ...

BTW, that was the head honcho of a seriously major potential client. Fortunately - probably more due to luck than people skills - I handled the initial problem with sufficient tack so that we moved a number of licences, units and support agreements his way.