[Funny] The chilli contest

[Fangbeast]

Tie yourself to a hair before reading, you have been warned!!

I know this is long winded but it needed to be so to get the full benefit from the story.

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THIS IS SOME KIND OF CHILLI CONTEST


If you can read this whole story without tears of laughter running down your cheeks, then there is no hope for you!


*Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!


For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chilli Cook off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.


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Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The third judge called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and besides they told me I could have all the free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."



Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chilli #1 (Mike's Manic Mobster Monster Chilli)
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Holy Shoot, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one, these Texans are crazy.



Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.



Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A bean less chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - (Frank) Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everybody knows the routine by now. Get me some more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting Shoot-faced from all the beer.



Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
Judge # 1 - Black bean chilli with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scrape across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb lady is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?



Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming. Stuff those rednecks!



Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
Judge # 1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 - I shat myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips any more. I need to
wipe my ass with a snow cone.



Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chilli with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - (Frank). You could place a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which slid out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like stuff which matches my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Sod it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.



Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-nail Curling Chilli)
Judge # 1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blended chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -This final entry is a good, balanced chilli. Neither mild or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chilli !!!

[Dare]

[srod]

Oh shit I can't see any more ...

[Rook Zimbabwe]

Needs more beans

Nope...
{ EDIT:: {IGNORE THIS LINE::}} I am from Houston, in fact I was born here... we don't serve cookoff chili with beans. Cute story though. Wholly fabricated.}

And no chili at the cookoff is allowed to be too spicy, there are too many Yankees around at Rodeo time that would whine...

[Fangbeast]

Rook, did you see the "[Funny]" header in the post? It's meant to be enjoyed, not explained away damnit.

Now, where the hell did I put my soldering iron, the 10 ton one I used last time I had to repair my ribs with from laughing too much???

[PB]

> Tie yourself to a hair before reading

I think this mistake was funnier than the actual text!

[Dare]

[Derek]

Anyone see the episode of The Simpsons where Homer is eating at the chilli cookoff, I think that is how Frank feels.

[Brice Manuel]

Rook, did you see the "[Funny]" header in the post? It's meant to be enjoyed, not explained away damnit.

You have to understand that Texan's never joke about their chili, and real chili doesn't have beans. Joking about chili and suggesting that chili has beans are "fighting words" for Texans.

Anyone see the episode of The Simpsons where Homer is eating at the chilli cookoff, I think that is how Frank feels.

One of my favorite episodes

[Rook Zimbabwe]

You have to understand that Texan's never joke about their chili, and real chili doesn't have beans. Joking about chili and suggesting that chili has beans are "fighting words" for Texans.

Well said!

and true!

and I loved that Simpsons episode too... MMMmm Simpsons...

[Brice Manuel]

Well said!

and true!

Been several years since I was in Texas, but I thought I was going to get shot when I sat down at a booth in a Mom and Pop greasy spoon in Nacogdoches and asked if they served Skyline Chili