The Aussie bushman

[Fangbeast]

You know about the stereotype of the typical Aussie bushman? Wears an akubra on his head, has rippling muscles, shirt ripped to his belly, chest hair you could knit a blanket from, keep blue eyes, lantern jaw, deeply lined and suntanned face, a set of legs that would put an elephant to shame, an ass tighter in his brief black shorts than Pamela Anderson's bra and the gait of a boxer.

Well, one of these specimens of Australian manhood walked into the local outback pub, beyond the back o' Bourke, just after the black stump, took a look at the assembled patronage and disdaining what he saw, started roaring:

"Arr, yer a pack of mugs, pussies (American word inserted), wimps, could carry a bag of spuds up the mountain 5 inches, I can whip they lot of yez!!!"

The barman had see most sorts wander in or get dragged in and having seen his sort before (I did say it was a stereotype, there are lots of them here!) told him to "Shuddup and sit down ya mug and drink ya beer".

But, Aussies love their beer and this one more than most so he was roaring, carrying on and insulting the manhood and parentage of all the assembled patrons so the barman called him over and said to him,

"Listen here ya mug, I have three tasks for you to do to show how tough you really are. The first one is that yez hafta sink a jar of Irish Whisky and not moan a word as you do it and it has to be done in a single swallow!"

"The second task is that yez hafta go in that shack in the corner and pull the tooth of a cranky old bastard croc who has an ache the size of Mount Eliza"

"The third task is that yez hafta go upstairs into the boudouir and satisfy an old sheila who hasn't made love in 40 years"

Well, this tough bushy thought that the could handle the first task but the second and third were just too much. So he sat down, shut up and the barman bought him a cold one or two. None of that flamin warm Brissie stuff, the cold Melbourne brew for him!

Now you know that Aussie blokes need a beer or two in them to be brave? Apparently this was true. No sonner had he downed his second beer and he was up and roaring again.

The barman told him to shut up , get over to the bar and start the three tasks.

Everybody was watching, holding their collective breath as this fantastic specimen of manhood took the first sip of the Irish Whiskey, winked evilly around at the barman's daughter's cleavage in a "See you later" sort of way an sank the lot in one gulp. Boy was he tough. His eyes bulged, his cheeks turned red, steam was coming out of his ears but he uttered not a sound.

The barman wasn't impressed as he'd seen this before so he told him to get himself into the shack and fix the croc up.

The fellow walked into the shack and slammed the door so hard that three generations of goannas packed up and moved next door.

Dead silnece for a while.

Then the peace was broken by the most hideous bellowing that you had ever heard in your life. The walls were shaking hard enough to dislodge huge flakes of plaster, big enough to stun lizards walking past had they fallen off them. The growling, the screaming (and that was just the audience!!) was truly horrible nd the floor was shaking like a 1970's disco on a saturday night being hit by everyone's wooden platform shoes.

Three quarters of an hour went by and the door finally opened and the hero came out. He was bloody all over, every bit of clothing torn into scraps but he was on his feet and smiling grimly and he roared out,

"Right, where's the bloody sheila who wants her tooth ripped???"

As everyone knows, Beer makes Aussie males brave all right, and stupid to boot. Don't drink to be brave and then take on challenges you can't think through.

[Fangbeast]

There was a knowledgeable professor of languages; a vain and arrogant man; who had not been able to find anyone to beat him in his knowledge of languages and was getting very frustrated with the situation as he badly needed competition, the incentive for a happy life.

So, he decided to hold a one day, international competition and offered $150,000 to anyone who could stump him.

The day came and the doors opened, the halls slowly filled and the competition was underway. He was fielding words, sentences, whole paragraphs and he knew the answer and the meaning to all of them.

As the day waned, an old, dirty, disreputably bush-cocky stood up at the back of the hall and said one, single word.

"Garn"

The professor sneered at him and said "That's not a word, get out of here you old bastard!!!", but the Australian members of the bush community disagreed with him and told him not to be a spoil sport and that was a proper 'Aussie' word.

So the professor racked his brains and tried desperately for half an hour to come up with the meaning and failed utterly. Finally, he thought he'd make the old fellow come up with a meaning he could use and told him to put it in a sentence to illustrate the usage of the word.

The old fellow stood up, faced the professor and said, "Garn get stuffed!" and the entire audience (At least the Aussie contingent" exploded with laughter and the red faced academic had to pay up or face the consequences.

He resolved never to let such a thing happen again and decided to study Australian as hard as he could (because; as the whole world knows; Aussie language is unique) for the next 10 years and when he felt reasonably confident, he decided to hold another competition and offered the same reward for trying to stump him (I told you he was arrogant!)

Mind you, he did tell his bodyguards to keep an eye out for the dirty old bush cocky and throw his carcass out of the hall if he got anywhere near him as he wasn't quite as rich as before.

The day came again and the doors opened again (Same hall!!), the halls slowly filled and the competition was underway yet again. He was fielding words, sentences, whole paragraphs and he knew the answer and the meaning to all of them again.

At the end of the day, he was feeling reasonably confident and just then, a distinguished looking Rabbinical fellow from the Hassidic sect stood up at the back of the hall and said "Smee", "My son".

The professor looked at him enquiringly but wasn't about to argue with someone so distinguished looking and racked his brains for hours but could not come up with a thing to explain this word so he asked the Rabbinical fellow to illustrate the meaning of the word in a sentence.

At that, the Rabbinical fellow tore of his fake beard, clothing and other disguise components to reveal the same old, dirty, disreputable bush-cocky who glared at the professor and said, "Smee again, Garn get stuffed!!!" and once again, the Aussie contingent exploded with laughter, fell off their chairs and the red faced academic had to pay up.

[Fangbeast]

1. Everyone knows the theory that postulates that when a piece of buttered toast falls on to a carpet, its' tendency to do so depends proportionally to the cost of the carpet.

2. Everyone knows the theory that postulates that when a cat is thrown out the window, it lands on its' feet, fighting gravitys' natural tendency to land it anyway it can.

Therefore, we postulate that if you strap a piece of buttered toast to a cat and throw it out the window over a very expensive carpet, the two opposing forces cancel each other out and the cost of the carpet is no longer relevant as is the law of gravity.

The tendency of the cat to land on its' feet fights with the natural tendency of the buttered toast to fall buttered side down on an expensive carpet and the two will just revolve in place without ever landing.

You have now invented (In order of importance)..

A perpetual motion machine
A giddy cat with fur that looks windswept (great for a model look)
Wind dried buttered toast.

[Sparkie]

GREAT stuff Fangles...It's just me and the dog at home tonight and he's looking at me like I'm some kind of freak (no offense to our freak ) as I sit here laughing my ass off.
[img]http://www.heysparkie.com/images\dog1.jpg[/img]

[Fangbeast]

GREAT stuff Fangles...It's just me and the dog at home tonight and he's looking at me like I'm some kind of freak (no offense to our freak ) as I sit here laughing my ass off.
[img]http://www.heysparkie.com/images\dog1.jpg[/img]

I try my breast. Heck, I'd try anyone's breast!! By the way, I have a soldering iron to cure your little problem:):):):):):)?)

[Berikco]

[Derek]

Good jokes. Had a good laugh.

[Fangbeast]

Good jokes. Had a good laugh.

I have some more good ones somewhere but I have to type them out first. Normally, I just look at myself in the mirror and that's a good laugh.

I am truly rejected by society.


I went down the street last week and a blind dog refused to hump my leg

Feeling sorry for myself and lonely, I started to hug myself and both arms fell asleep.

I looked in the mirror just for company and it refused to show me my reflection and I am not a vampire!!