You - Programming - And your wife.

Flype · Post by **Flype** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 2:35 pm

Since some weeks, my wife do not support anymore to see me programming all the evening after works.

i must say that i love programming since i'm a child.
but well, finally, it's a big amount of time spent in front of the screen...
and now she screams everytime i want to work when i'm at home.

so there's not many solutions :
programming only between 9h-18h or being a poor single person.

as we loved each other - and do not wants to separate - i've no choice but to stop (or slow down) a lot of my personal (coding) projects.

is there's, here, people who live such situations ?
i need some feedback to make my own (realistic) opinion.

srod · Post by **srod** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 3:04 pm

Well, I've not much to offer in the way of advice, but if it came down to a choice of ditching programming, or ditching the wife, well let me think about that for a moment......

One nano second later : The wife just left in a taxi - at my expense!

Seriously, that's a real bummer! Once hooked into programming, it's almost impossible to let go; it's like a drug!

Afraid I've no answer, but I'm interested to read other's replies.

inc. · Post by **inc.** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 3:06 pm

Flype wrote:so there's not many solutions :
programming only between 9h-18h or being a poor single person.

You aren't a child anymore so such hour based time concepts like kids when there will be no TV before 18.00 and after doing work for shool

1. Get some ideas for romantic love *peaks* like enviting her to a candlelight dinner, cinema, philharmoic, opera or whatever romantic thing she likes.

2. With these "credits" in her heart you easely can archive an unspoken! agreement that you will spend like 2 or 3 days at the evening on your PC where on the other 4-5 evenings you can spend your time with her.

PS: IF she just doesn't like seeing you enjoying programming stuff as it could not fit into her concept of relationship in general, then ... this woman is a problem as you should keep the option for yourself to folllow also your own interests (beside her interests of course

)

Flype · Post by **Flype** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 3:26 pm

well i'm not a child anymore since a while (as i'm about 30 years old)
so i know what to do : never stop but just slow down a lot and spending more times with her which is as easy as normal.

one more thing is that i prefer programming than watching all those stupid things on TV.

i do not need advices, just want to listen your own experience
as i'm sure i'm not alone in this case.

inc. · Post by **inc.** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:12 pm

Flype wrote:well i'm not a child anymore since a while (as i'm about 30 years old)
so i know what to do : never stop but just slow down a lot and spending more times with her which is as easy as normal.

one more thing is that i prefer programming than watching all those stupid things on TV.

Some kind of misunderstanding.
I said your not like that.

i do not need advices, just want to listen your own experience
as i'm sure i'm not alone in this case.

See it as a 'hint' based on experiencies on my own.

Joakim Christiansen · Post by **Joakim Christiansen** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:14 pm

My dad is just like you, my mom don't like it either.

Kale · Post by **Kale** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:25 pm

I'm in exactly the same boat. I had an argument with my girlfriend last night about her not seeing enough of me.

And, I too can't sit there and watch mindless TV with her all night instead of programming and learning new stuff. I'm trying to get a balance of programming and giving her some time but it's hard because i just can't 'waste' hours with her when i have stuff to do. I mean, i'm not working or theres nothing really important that i do when i come home from regular work, it's just that it's important to me and i feel like i'm wasting my time just being with her if we are not going out or doing anything special. Don't get me wrong i do like spending time with her but i can't sit for any length of time just staring into her eyes!

I wanna learn more stuff about programming and that means more screen time. I've tried to explain to her but it bothers her. I guess i'll keep trying.

Writing that book was hard work too. She always moaned, is Purebasic better than me. I said no, i want to do this for the community and make a little money but it's just something i want to accomplish.

I would like to study for a degree in computer science too but i guess thats out of the window if i want to keep her. :roll:

I wish i had a time machine as i need 48hr days!!!

bembulak · Post by **bembulak** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:28 pm

Hey Flype,

keep your head up! I understand your situation, since I suffer from completely the same at the moment.

Ok, I'm not that blessed programmer, but I "love" my PC and my Linux that much ...

Four months ago, I started a new work - I love it, but the time of travelling increased. I spend less time at home. The time I'm at home, I have to share with my wife, my beloved son, my cat, my house and ... my pc/PureBasic/Community,...

On Linux we call that "dependency hell". ^^

I'm unable to give you a solution - I just can tell you, that I'm depressed about that situation. One day I'm thinking of leaving my family for doing what I want, the next day I could beat myself for being so egoistic.
Is a PC really worth leaving your familiy, your home, your son?

Again, I'm sorry that I can't help you - I just can tell you, that there are other people all over the world, who have the same problems.

For myself this thread says, that I'm not alone. While I'm writing these lines, I think of my family. I hope to get home soon. I won't turn the pc on this evening....

Flype · Post by **Flype** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:30 pm

inc. wrote:
Flype wrote:well i'm not a child anymore since a while (as i'm about 30 years old)
so i know what to do : never stop but just slow down a lot and spending more times with her which is as easy as normal.

one more thing is that i prefer programming than watching all those stupid things on TV.
Some kind of misunderstanding.
I said your not like that.

i do not need advices, just want to listen your own experience
as i'm sure i'm not alone in this case.
See it as a 'hint' based on experiencies on my own.

there's no misunderstanding.

all what you said are good hints, indeed.

[EDIT]
@kale and bembulak
thanks for sharing - that's exactly what i feel.
i think that i must stop consuming all my (free) time programming.
family is so important - that's the reality even if it's at a cost of my passion. don't want to loose her for some lines of code.

well, not so easy...

Shannara · Post by **Shannara** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:39 pm

Since it is personal projects and not putting bread and butter on the table, I can see where she is coming from. I ran into the same thing a few years ago. Now I only code after hours. (9pm - midnight) at home, when she and the kids are asleep.

David · Post by **David** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 4:56 pm

I went through something similar a while back. In the end I bought a laptop and did as much as I could on it in the living room as she watched T.V. I still spent quite a bit of time in another room on my normal PC, just not as much.

Sparkie · Post by **Sparkie** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 5:16 pm

A few years ago I was spending 2 hours every morning and 6 - 8 hours each night on my PC, programming. Then out of nowhere, my wife left me...programming suddenly didn't seem so "sexy" anymore.

My time spent on the computer wasn't her main reason for leaving me, but it was a part of it. I spent the next 3-4 months separated from my wife, unable to do much of anything that required thought and concentration. My programming skills had been disabled so I was left with nothing but time to reflect on the past as well as look ahead to the future.

Short story is this...Set your priorities in life. Communicate with your wife and let her know what you want and need from life and then let her share her wants and needs with you. You will both have to make some compromises along the way, but in the end you both should be getting more of what you want/need from the marriage/relationship/life.

My wife and I are now back together again, happier than ever.

I now spend a little less time on the computer and more time paying attention to her. It doesn't take much to make my wife happy these days. On a couple of nights each week I'll watch an hour or so of TV with her. I'll spend at least one hour of that time brushing her hair, rubbing her feet, or maybe giving her a back massage. These are all GREAT ways for me to help convey my love for my wife. One of the smartest things I did during our separation was read a book..."The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. My wife and I both learned things from reading that book.

Remember this...an ounce of prevention goes a long way.

dracflamloc · Post by **dracflamloc** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 5:54 pm

Flype, does your woman like to shop??

Does she ever hang out with her 'girlfriends'?

I usually get my personal programming projects done during the times my girlfriend is out doing stuff I wouldn't want to do. That said... my girlfriend is pretty understanding of my need to program, so even if I program for hours per night shes usually okay with it as long as we do stuff on the weekends.

ricardo · Post by **ricardo** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 7:09 pm

I DON'T have this problem because one reason: My wife are on the same train, she loves to program and to learn about that (she is on the university on computer science).

dracflamloc · Post by **dracflamloc** » Wed Aug 23, 2006 7:10 pm

Well that works =)

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